Today’s Challenge: If you were victimized as a child, it was not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve it. If you’re still struggling, years later, tell somebody you trust and get some help.
I wrote this many years ago…
A friend of the family molested me when I was 11 years old. Years have passed and I remember it like it happened 15 minutes ago. When I go back in the memory, my tears lose control and my body feels the pain. I am scared because for the first time I feel the agony that man caused me. I have spent years running and surviving instead of dealing with it. This little girl’s past has caught up with her. I don’t know how to be the mother she needs to hold her, protect her, and forgive her for not telling somebody so I could have gotten help.
I believe the pain is surfacing because I am in love. It should be a happy, exciting time for me, but I am also in pain every time he touches me. It is not normal to want to cry and escape while making love with the man you love. My mind races with ways to get through it hiding how I really feel. I pretend everything is great and I curl up around him and hold him until he goes to sleep. Then I roll over and the tears start and my body shakes. I sneak out of bed to avoid waking him. I go downstairs to cry. Sometimes I stay up all night crying and pacing wanting to run away and feeling, dirty and scared and trapped inside myself. If I’m lucky, my exhaustion puts me to sleep sometime in the early morning hours.
I sat in my counselor’s office and for the first time, I told the truth. She had to tell me to breathe once I started talking. She also stopped breathing. It was the most healing moment of my life. I knew I would get through it. I spent my life running from it, pretending it did not bother me. Now I understand how important it is to talk. I’m going to talk. I am going to forgive myself and get the help I need. I asked her why I had to waste so many years. She said some wait 50 years and others never face it. She said, “You’re lucky. You’re still young.”